Thursday, 10 March 2011

I've been called many things but never a blogger

Look under "Dangerous sports" just below base jumping and you will see "working in a shed". Surprised? well you shouldn't be. Let me expose you to the hazards and terror of shed life.........you must be at least eighteen and about this high to continue on this ride!
They say the Goliath bird eating spider is the largest in the known world, well thats nothing to what lurks behind my book shelves. It moves so fast though I've never really had a good look at it, all I know is that It's not safe to leave a sandwich and plate of biscuits lying around. Mind you it's not all bad news, every couple of times it sheds its skin I get a new pair of slippers. Shame I haven't got eight toes though. And spiders aren't the only uninvited guest, ever wondered where wasps go at night?
Thats right....on my shed. Now I've been known to hum along to my radio but these boys are professional, although a little monotonous at times.
I must admit there are some pretty nasty insects living here, I used to have a venus flytrap as company thinking it would thrive on the abundant food source but it developed entomophobia (I had to google it so you can!) and sadly I came to work one morning and found it swinging from my desk lamp. If only I hadn't left those shoe laces lying around.

 
It's not only the wildlife that makes shed life so dangerous, there are also the chemical and biological hazards to contend with. I don't know why the British government spent so much on the warfare research station at Porton Down when all they had to do was visit me. I'm talking, of course, about the various fungi and spores growing from all the old coffee mugs littered around. There's probably something here that could cure the common cold...note to self.....buy some test tubes and a Bunsen burner.
Looking at some of these mugs it's hard to imagine that something so furry and orange could be so deadly...mind you, that hamster that Andrea had when I first met her could have done with a Hannibal Lecter mask. Now I'm wondering if there is a possible link between my coffee fungus and the 45 pound spider in the corner....hmmmmm.
Oh and did I mention that my shed is haunted. Not only do I have to contend with the living world but the afterlife too. There have been occasions when I've entered my shed and felt an icy chill go down my back, usually winter time oddly. I'll sense an evil presence and detect the faint aroma of rotten eggs and...coffee...and out of the corner of my eye the faint outline of some hideous wretch that looks like it probably met its end in some freak combine harvester accident but when I suddenly turn to look at it.......it's gone!......only to be replaced by a mirror!...why I put that there I'll never know :-)

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